Thinking out loud...

Strange feelings. Intense sadness. Tears. More tears. I don't even know what thought triggers me anymore. There's just a hollow emptiness that can't be filled. Insatiable desires that hurt more than excite.

I can't decide if I should pray them away or find a way to satisfy. What would that even look like?

It feels like so much to process. Do I want this life? Does this life even want me?

All I can wonder is which of my sins lead me to this life, or is this my sin?
Is there something else I should be doing? Am I failing the same tests everyday?

I wish I could bottle the good days.

Today sucks, though also revealing. I learned I buffer my feelings. Create new feelings to hide the bad ones. Food, work, and dare i say marriage.
When you take that all away, what is left? is it death? yes, let it be death.

I am in a safe place to pursue passion. I don't have to make any decisions now, just start the journey. I guess the frustrations that find me is not knowing where to start. I barely know who I am, or what I want.