From the veranda
There is a third you
ISSUE SEVEN | The Third You
We have words for two important versions of ourselves.
There is the physical you. We call its condition health.
There is the financial you. We call its condition wealth.
But there is another you.
The you who walks into a marriage. The you who raises a child. The you who makes a friend, joins a team, sets a boundary, handles rejection, keeps a promise, starts an argument, repairs one, leaves, stays, trusts, withdraws, forgives, avoids, reaches out, or shuts down.
The you who has to live among other people.
What do we call the condition of that person?
We have many words for pieces of it. Emotional intelligence. Attachment. Communication. Boundaries. Self-awareness. Social skills. Values. Confidence. Empathy. Belonging.
But we do not have a simple everyday word for the condition of the relational you.
That is the space Realth names.
Health is the physical you. Wealth is the financial you. Realth is the relational you.
You already have Realth
Realth is not something you need to believe in. You already have it.
Just as you have health whether you are healthy or sick, and wealth whether your bank account is full or empty, you have a relational condition whether you have thought about it or not.
It is present when you are alone. It is present when you meet someone. It is present when you fall in love. It is present when you disagree. It is present when you are ignored, praised, criticized, chosen, rejected, needed, or disappointed.
Realth is not a relationship. It is what you bring into relationships.
That distinction matters.
A relationship exists between people. Realth exists within the person. A relationship can end. Your Realth comes with you.
You can leave one marriage and carry the same patterns into another. You can change jobs and find yourself having the same conflict with a different manager. You can make new friends and still feel unseen. You can promise yourself that next time will be different, yet discover that when pressure comes, the same version of you appears.
The people changed. The setting changed. The pattern did not.
That pattern is telling you something.
Relationships reveal us
We spend a great deal of time talking about the relationships we want. We want honesty. We want closeness. We want respect. We want communication. We want trust. We want people who understand us.
But what we want from relationships and how we function inside them are not always the same thing.
A person may want intimacy and pull away whenever someone gets too close. A person may value honesty and avoid difficult conversations. A person may want peace and become controlling whenever they feel uncertain. A person may describe family as their highest value while giving the people closest to them very little time or attention. A person may believe they are self-aware while everyone around them can see a pattern they cannot.
This does not make them bad. It makes them human.
There is often a gap between who we believe we are, who we intend to be, who we present ourselves as, and who actually shows up.
Relationships expose that gap. They are mirrors.
Not perfect mirrors. Relationships are affected by the other person, the environment, power, history, timing, and circumstance. But over time, patterns appear.
How do you respond when you feel misunderstood? Can you recognize what you are feeling before it controls what you do? Can you hear another person's experience without immediately defending your own? Can you disagree without turning difference into danger? Can you tell the truth when the truth might cost you approval? Do your choices match the values you say matter? Do you move toward people and experiences that matter to you, or spend your life waiting to feel ready?
These are questions about Realth.
Realth is not how good your relationships look
A long marriage does not automatically mean strong Realth. A divorce does not automatically mean poor Realth. Having many friends does not mean strong Realth. Being introverted does not mean poor Realth.
Being charming, warm, popular, agreeable, spiritual, educated, married, emotionally expressive, or good at giving advice does not tell us enough.
All of those things can be seen. Realth is harder to see.
In that way, it has something important in common with health and wealth. You can meet someone who looks physically healthy and know nothing about the illness developing inside their body. You can meet someone who looks wealthy and know nothing about their debt. You can meet someone who appears confident, caring, emotionally mature, and deeply interested in you and still know very little about how they function in relationships over time.
A first date is an interesting example. Two people sit across from each other carrying enormous amounts of invisible information. You cannot see blood pressure. You cannot see allergies. You cannot see debt. You cannot see a credit score. And you cannot see someone's full relational condition.
You can see signals. You can observe behavior. You can listen. You can notice patterns.
But some things only become clearer through time and measurement.
Realth belongs among those things.
Next Friday I'll share what this condition is made of. Five parts, and how they work together.
In other news, I've launched my first book! The Work You Hide is out now.
Talk soon, Deb.
"Realth lives in you, shows up in your relationships, and shapes the world you leave behind."