From the veranda
How do I function relationally?
ISSUE EIGHT | Five Parts of the Relational You
Last week I said there is a relational you, and its condition is Realth. This week I'm sharing what that condition is made of. Five parts. As you read, keep one real relationship in mind, not your whole life. It is easier to be honest about one.
How do I function relationally?
At its simplest, Realth asks one question: How do I function relationally?
Not: Am I a good person? Am I lovable? Do people like me? Am I good at relationships?
Those questions quickly become judgments. Realth is interested in functioning.
The same way health asks what is happening in the body, Realth asks what is happening in the relational self.
That functioning can be examined through five connected dimensions.
Self-awareness
Can I see myself with reasonable accuracy? Can I recognize my patterns, needs, defenses, motives, strengths, limits, and impact?
If I cannot see myself, everything that follows becomes harder.
Emotional literacy
Can I recognize, understand, name, and respond to what I feel?
Emotion is part of almost every important relationship. When we cannot understand what is happening inside us, we often make other people responsible for feelings we have not learned to work with ourselves.
Relational intelligence
Can I understand what happens between people? Can I recognize boundaries, power, reciprocity, trust, repair, difference, conflict, closeness, and distance? Can I understand another person's experience without losing my own?
Values alignment
Does the way I live agree with what I say matters?
Values are easy to claim. Relationships make them visible. Patience matters until someone tests our patience. Honesty matters until honesty becomes uncomfortable. Family matters until attention must be taken from something else.
Realth looks at the distance between stated values and lived values.
Expanded engagement
Can I participate in relational life? Not merely think about it. Not study it. Not wait until I feel completely safe, confident, healed, certain, or ready.
Can I move toward people, experiences, communities, opportunities, and the life I say I want?
This matters because it is possible to understand yourself deeply and still remain hidden from life.
The five work together
None of these dimensions stands alone.
Self-awareness without values can become endless self-examination. Emotional literacy without relational intelligence can leave us fluent in our own feelings but unable to understand another person. Relational intelligence without values can become manipulation. Values without engagement can remain ideals. Engagement without self-awareness can repeat the same patterns in more places with more people.
Realth is not one skill. It is a condition created by how these parts work together.
And because they work together, they can change together. That may be one of the most important things about Realth.
It is not a personality type. It is not a verdict. It is not a permanent score stamped onto a person.
It is a condition. Conditions can be measured. Conditions can change.
Next Friday: the word real, where it came from, and the difference between polished and hidden.
If you have not picked up The Work You Hide yet, it is out now.
Talk soon, Deb.
"Realth lives in you, shows up in your relationships, and shapes the world you leave behind."